Make yourself comfy and grab a box of tissues, you're gonna need it...
This past week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.
Wednesday, I woke up and just knew I shouldn't go to work, but I am a bit of a stubborn work-a-holic, so I went in anyway after my blood test. Waiting is just the worst, I knew it would be about 4 hours until I got the call, so I tried not to think about it and went on with my day. Around 10:15, my nurse, Amy called and I could already hear it in her voice, "I'm so sorry, Julie, but its negative..." All I could say was, "okay". She also said there was a chance the numbers could go up, but it wasn't likely and I was to continue to take my meds and get more blood work on Friday. When I calmed myself down a little, I called Jason and told him the news. He was at home sick, so he was already pretty down, and this awful news didn't help one bit, I could tell on the phone that he was heartbroken. I didn't know what else to say so I got off the phone and finished what I was working on and went to lunch to meet my friend Sabina. Sabina was almost more excited to find out than I was that morning. She came into the pastry kitchen about every 20 minutes to see if they called, so when I saw her in the lunch room, she just knew and threw her arms around me and cried with me for a little while. I tried to function at work after that, but it was too hard and they sent me home. I should have never gone in, in the first place.
When I got home, Jason and I just held each other for a while and tried not to overthink everything. We took our minds off it by going to lunch and running some errands, which worked for the most part, but all either of us could think about was, "Okay, what's next, what's our next step" and we weren't quite ready to talk about it yet. This was our one shot and it felt like all hope was gone. Then it was time to make the phone calls to our families, which was hard but necessary. I didn't want them to get the news from a text message. That night, I didn't to just hang around the house, so I called the neighbors up to meet us out at Pub 026. They have become so much a part of our lives this past year, I knew they could cheer me up a little without having to talk too much about it. Jason wasn't too into being out, but he knew that is what would help me, so he went along with it.
Thursday we both went back to work. I was a little down and out, but for the most part I was fine. On my way home I had a long talk with my good friend Laura, who had seen her fare share of fertility struggles, and while they never made it to IVF, she can relate to how I feel. She helped me realize that I wasn't sad, I was angry with every aspect of the situation. Did we just waste $20,000? Why do people who can't even take care of themselves get to have a baby? I keep thinking of that quote from Twister, "How can it miss this house, and that house, and then come for you?" That's how infertility feels to me. Then the blame sets in, "Did I do something wrong?" "Maybe I pushed myself too much post transfer""Why is my body failing me?""Do I not deserve to have a child of my own?" That's the hardest one. I know I can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but who isn't and for the most part, I try to be a good person, If anyone deserves to have the blessing of a child, it's my husband. He is the most loving, generous, caring person I have ever met. He would do anything for anyone. This talk with Laura really got me to cry and I can't thank her enough for that because I had stopped feeling at that moment. I had given up, to the point that I didn't even take my medicine that night because I figured, whats the point?
Friday morning I woke up and headed for Quest to get more blood work done. I was feeling pretty down, and even told the guy taking my blood that this was just a formality, because it was already negative. I went on my way to work and stayed pretty quiet because I was pretty much beating myself up inside. At 11:30, the office still hadn't called so I went to lunch and sat alone. Two work friends, Amilinn and Erika, who I knew had been following my journey sat down with me, so I shared the news with them. They both got up and gave me big hugs, and as we started talking about it, the phone rang. It was Amy, but this time there was a little pep in her voice. She told me that my HCG levels were at an 8, to which I said, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" She said they have seen live births come from late bloomers, but it could also be a surge of hormones and then fizzle off, so I needed to go back to get more blood work done on Monday. I couldn't believe it! I immediately called Jason to tell him the news and he was just as shocked as I was. Finally some hope!
The rest of the weekend I was in a much better mood, but by 3pm on Saturday I could barely keep my eyes open at work, I was completely exhausted. We went out for dinner for my friend Jess's birthday and then I went home and passed out. The next day, Jason and I woke up, went to Sam's Club, came home and ate lunch and then I took a 3 hour nap on the couch while he worked on stuff in the basement. I don't nap unless I am really sick. Good signs. The rest of the day I was a lot more productive, but because of said nap, I had a hard time falling asleep. (I am stalling here, can't you tell?)
Cut to today, Monday, January 29: More blood tests and off to work. The anticipation of the phone call got to me today. Did it go up or down? All the signs were pointing to up. I mean 3 positive pregnancy tests don't lie. Finally, at 12:17 pm Amy called. Today my HCG was 36! I still have to get more blood work and another intralipids infusion, but as of right now, I am 4 weeks pregnant!!! I can't even wrap my mind around what that even means right now. I want to just tell everyone I know!
This is just proof that anything can happen, my body hasn't failed me. And with that being said, if something does happen, and I do miscarry, I still count this as a win because I was able to get pregnant, and that is something that has never happened before.
I know the PC thing to do is to wait 12 weeks before posting or something like that, but this blog has been anything but PC and I feel like everyone reading this has been as much a part of the process as anything!
Next steps:
Wednesday- Blood work
Thursday- Intralipids infusion
Week 6- First Ultra Sound!
Wednesday, I woke up and just knew I shouldn't go to work, but I am a bit of a stubborn work-a-holic, so I went in anyway after my blood test. Waiting is just the worst, I knew it would be about 4 hours until I got the call, so I tried not to think about it and went on with my day. Around 10:15, my nurse, Amy called and I could already hear it in her voice, "I'm so sorry, Julie, but its negative..." All I could say was, "okay". She also said there was a chance the numbers could go up, but it wasn't likely and I was to continue to take my meds and get more blood work on Friday. When I calmed myself down a little, I called Jason and told him the news. He was at home sick, so he was already pretty down, and this awful news didn't help one bit, I could tell on the phone that he was heartbroken. I didn't know what else to say so I got off the phone and finished what I was working on and went to lunch to meet my friend Sabina. Sabina was almost more excited to find out than I was that morning. She came into the pastry kitchen about every 20 minutes to see if they called, so when I saw her in the lunch room, she just knew and threw her arms around me and cried with me for a little while. I tried to function at work after that, but it was too hard and they sent me home. I should have never gone in, in the first place.
When I got home, Jason and I just held each other for a while and tried not to overthink everything. We took our minds off it by going to lunch and running some errands, which worked for the most part, but all either of us could think about was, "Okay, what's next, what's our next step" and we weren't quite ready to talk about it yet. This was our one shot and it felt like all hope was gone. Then it was time to make the phone calls to our families, which was hard but necessary. I didn't want them to get the news from a text message. That night, I didn't to just hang around the house, so I called the neighbors up to meet us out at Pub 026. They have become so much a part of our lives this past year, I knew they could cheer me up a little without having to talk too much about it. Jason wasn't too into being out, but he knew that is what would help me, so he went along with it.
Thursday we both went back to work. I was a little down and out, but for the most part I was fine. On my way home I had a long talk with my good friend Laura, who had seen her fare share of fertility struggles, and while they never made it to IVF, she can relate to how I feel. She helped me realize that I wasn't sad, I was angry with every aspect of the situation. Did we just waste $20,000? Why do people who can't even take care of themselves get to have a baby? I keep thinking of that quote from Twister, "How can it miss this house, and that house, and then come for you?" That's how infertility feels to me. Then the blame sets in, "Did I do something wrong?" "Maybe I pushed myself too much post transfer""Why is my body failing me?""Do I not deserve to have a child of my own?" That's the hardest one. I know I can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but who isn't and for the most part, I try to be a good person, If anyone deserves to have the blessing of a child, it's my husband. He is the most loving, generous, caring person I have ever met. He would do anything for anyone. This talk with Laura really got me to cry and I can't thank her enough for that because I had stopped feeling at that moment. I had given up, to the point that I didn't even take my medicine that night because I figured, whats the point?
Friday morning I woke up and headed for Quest to get more blood work done. I was feeling pretty down, and even told the guy taking my blood that this was just a formality, because it was already negative. I went on my way to work and stayed pretty quiet because I was pretty much beating myself up inside. At 11:30, the office still hadn't called so I went to lunch and sat alone. Two work friends, Amilinn and Erika, who I knew had been following my journey sat down with me, so I shared the news with them. They both got up and gave me big hugs, and as we started talking about it, the phone rang. It was Amy, but this time there was a little pep in her voice. She told me that my HCG levels were at an 8, to which I said, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" She said they have seen live births come from late bloomers, but it could also be a surge of hormones and then fizzle off, so I needed to go back to get more blood work done on Monday. I couldn't believe it! I immediately called Jason to tell him the news and he was just as shocked as I was. Finally some hope!
The rest of the weekend I was in a much better mood, but by 3pm on Saturday I could barely keep my eyes open at work, I was completely exhausted. We went out for dinner for my friend Jess's birthday and then I went home and passed out. The next day, Jason and I woke up, went to Sam's Club, came home and ate lunch and then I took a 3 hour nap on the couch while he worked on stuff in the basement. I don't nap unless I am really sick. Good signs. The rest of the day I was a lot more productive, but because of said nap, I had a hard time falling asleep. (I am stalling here, can't you tell?)
Cut to today, Monday, January 29: More blood tests and off to work. The anticipation of the phone call got to me today. Did it go up or down? All the signs were pointing to up. I mean 3 positive pregnancy tests don't lie. Finally, at 12:17 pm Amy called. Today my HCG was 36! I still have to get more blood work and another intralipids infusion, but as of right now, I am 4 weeks pregnant!!! I can't even wrap my mind around what that even means right now. I want to just tell everyone I know!
This is just proof that anything can happen, my body hasn't failed me. And with that being said, if something does happen, and I do miscarry, I still count this as a win because I was able to get pregnant, and that is something that has never happened before.
I know the PC thing to do is to wait 12 weeks before posting or something like that, but this blog has been anything but PC and I feel like everyone reading this has been as much a part of the process as anything!
Next steps:
Wednesday- Blood work
Thursday- Intralipids infusion
Week 6- First Ultra Sound!
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